Humour

This is where we put any jokes that appeal to us. We have a number of friends who send them in.

Feel free to contribute them via email.

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.
The winner was:
A four-year-old child, whose next- door neighbour was an elderly gentleman, who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbour, the
Little boy just said, 'Nothing, I just helped him cry.'
*********************************************
Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had a different hair colour than the other members. One of her students suggested that he was adopted.
A little girl said, 'I know all about adoption, I was adopted..'
'What does it mean to be adopted?', asked another child 
'It means', said the girl, 'that you grew in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!'
*********************************************
On my way home one day, I stopped to watch a Little League base ball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was.
'We're behind 14 to nothing,' he answered with a smile.
'Really,' I said. 'I have to say you don't look very discouraged.'
'Discouraged?', the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face...
'Why should we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet.'
*********************************************
Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think
About little Jamie Scott.
Jamie was trying out for a part in the school play. His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen.
On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement.  'Guess what, Mom,' he shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to me.....'I've been chosen to clap and cheer.'
*********************************************
An eye witness account from New York City, on a cold day in December, some years ago: A little boy, about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering with cold.
A lady approached the young boy and said, 'My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!'
'I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes, 'was the boy's reply
The lady took him by the hand, went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought them to her.
She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and dried them with the towel.
By this time, the clerk had returned with the socks. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes.
She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him.. She patted him on the head and said, 'No doubt, you will be more comfortable now.'
As she turned to go, the astonished kid caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears in his eyes, asked her .
'Are you God's wife?'
*********************************************

T'was the Night Before Christmas Poem
(A Quilters' Version)

T'was the night before Christmas and all through the house,
The only one sleeping was a Quilter's dear spouse.
The Log Cabin stockings were almost completed,
"Just a few stitches left," our sweet quilter repeated.

"Then I can hang them and head off to finish
the pillows I'm making, fulfilling Mom's wish
For something quilted to put on her couch and spoke,
as she pricked her poor finger, our quilter said, "Ouch!"

When from out in the kitchen there arose such a crashing,
she sprang from her work, and she dropped all her sashing.
Away to the doorway she flew like a plane,
wondering just what was happening and who she would blame.

When what to her wondering eyes should appear,
but Old Mrs. Claus and her bag of quilt-gear..

With her elves bearing gifts, through the kitchen she came,
she directed and pointed and called them by name.

"Now Elna, now Pfaff, now Bernina and Viking,
the Hoffman and Mumm should be just to her liking.
To the sewing room - there, it's just back of the hall,
now dash away, dash away, dash away all!"

"My Dear," said The Claus (as she liked to be called),
"There really is no need to worry at all.
Your projects will all be completed this night,
I'm terribly sorry we gave you a fright."

"Sit down. Have some tea. It's relaxing, you'll see.
My friends and I've come a long way to help Thee."
She thought she was dreaming, our dear Quilter did,
In fact she quite feared that she near flipped her lid!

But the flash of the needles and twist of the thread
soon gave her to know she had nothing to dread.
They spoke no more words, but went straight to their sewing.
How the work went so quickly she had no way way of knowing.

The stitches, how fine! The corners, how straight!
This Claus-woman' s talent was awfully great.
They finished the pillows, then started to quilt.
Before they all knew it, the whole thing was built!

Now old Mrs. Claus, she knew quilters real well,
and she knew they'd need help on this night most of all
So she said to our quilter, "Just move over dear,
I've brought my own needle. We'll get done, never fear.

I told dear old Santa about what quilters do.
How they plan all these projects but have other work too.
So he taught me his magic for doing things fast.
There, that pillows done. Now this is the last.

They tidied their thread snips, and picked up the scraps
and chased our dear quilter's six cats from their laps.
As they scurried away with their thimbles still gleaming
dear Mrs. Claus paused, her cap ribbons streaming.
"Merry Christmas, my dear, now just have a ball!"

(author unknown)

London Times Obituary of the late Mr. Common Sense

'Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense,
who has
been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,
since his
birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
why the early bird gets the worm;
Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in
charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens
suspended from
school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for
reprimanding
an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job
that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent
to administer sun lotion or an Elastoplast to a student; but could not
inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an
abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became
contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better
treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you
couldn't
defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could
sue
you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little
in her
lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his
wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
He is
survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights,
I Want It Now,
It's Not My Fault, and
I'm A Victim.

If Tommy Cooper was alive today he would say ...

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen
on it.
I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.
She said 'Tenpin?'
I said, 'No, permanent.'

I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?'
The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?'
I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet
'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.'
I said 'No, just a watch.'

I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.'
The bloke said 'Kenwood?'
I said, 'Where is he then?'

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.'
He said 'You've got cholera.'

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
name,
it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it
down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just
went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary
work?'
I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper.
He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.
She said, 'Are you having me on?'
I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything.'

I phoned the local builder today; I said 'Can I have a skip
outside my house?'
He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'

I fancied a game of darts with my mate.
He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first'
He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'
He said 'You're closest'

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd
been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again
to say
I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me
managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and
asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today, it's tiny: you couldn't
swing a
cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two
Counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said
'Eurostar' I
said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits.
He said, 'How flexible are you?'
I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'

I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I take out The Elephant
Man?' He said, 'He's not your type.' I said 'Can I borrow Batman
Forever?'
He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

Subject: Sermon on the Mount

 
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins!
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.
These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services
~>~>~>~>~>~>~0~<~<~<~<~<~<~
& The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.
& The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'
The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
& Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
& Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
& Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
& Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not come this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to many in the congregation.
& For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
& Next Thursday there will be try outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
& Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
& A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
& At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
& Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
& Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
& Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
& The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
& Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
& The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
& This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
& The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
& Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
& Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
& The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this   tragedy.
& Pastor Updyke unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday with the slogan: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours”.
 
 
PRAISE THE LORD
 
The pastor asked if any one in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said,” I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.” You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced. She continued, “Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim’s scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”
Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim. She continued, “now Jim is out of hospital and the doctors say, with time his scrotum should recover completely.” All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked to the podium. He said “I’m Jim and I want to tell my wife, ONCE AGAIN, the word is STERNUM”
 
 
Religious Squirrels
 
There were five country churches in a small Texas town:
The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church, the Catholic Church and the Jewish Church.
Each church and synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.
 
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.
 
In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.
 
The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creation. So they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
 
But ---- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptised the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter
 
 
Not much was heard about the Jewish synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service called circumcision. They haven’t seen a squirrel on the property since!!

Talking Dog

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."

--------------
Job Centre

A man from Liverpool walks into the local Job Centre, marches
straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE
drawing benefits. I'd really rather have a job."

The Guy behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of
your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.
You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.
The starting salary is £200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The guy behind the counter says, "Yeah, well... You started it."
-----------

Legal Wit and Wisdom

Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
Witness: "I could see his head."
Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
Witness: "Just above his shoulders."

Lawyer: "Do you drink when you're on duty?"
Witness: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk."

Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a
murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
Witness: "The victim lived."

Lawyer: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased,
objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas."
Witness: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

Lawyer: "Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the
influence?"
Witness: "Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his
words."

------------
These are purported to be actual test answers from various schools in
the Huntsville, Alabama metropolitan area.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to
drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep, and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
SOCIOLOGY
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
BIOLOGY
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax
and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax
contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the
five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.
ENGLISH
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its
meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
TECHNOLOGY
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
RELIGION
Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lay eggs.

----------------
Best smart-arse answers

1. It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated
in the front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked. "Yes or no," she replied.

2. A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of
Sainsbury's store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."

3. The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for
speeding, rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the bobby said. The kid
replied, "Yes, well I got here as fast as I could." When the
policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.

4. A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign
came up that read " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he realised it, the
bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it..
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The
policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and
said to
the driver, "Got stuck, eh?" The lorry driver said, "No, I was
delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!"

------------

Police 0 RAF 1
Two British traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved
in an unusual incident, while checking for speeding motorists on the A-1 Great
North Road .
One of the officers (who are not named) used a hand-held radar device to
check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill,
and was
surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300mph. The machine then
stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it.
The radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado fighter jet over the
North Sea , which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over the Border
district.
Back at police headquarters the chief constable fired off a stiff
complaint to the R A F Liaison office.
Back came the reply in true laconic R A F style. "Thank you for your
message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You
may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado had
automatically locked on to your 'hostile radar equipment' and sent a
jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, the Sidewinder
Air-to-ground missiles aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also
locked on to the target. Fortunately the Dutch pilot flying the Tornado
responded to the missile status alert intelligently and was able to override the
automatic protection system before the missile was launched".

Subject: ANNUAL NEOLOGISM CONTEST

ANNUAL NEOLOGISM CONTEST Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners are:

1. Coffee (n. ): The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj. ): Appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v. ): To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v. ): To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj. ): Impotent.
6. Negligent (adj. ): A condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your night-gown.
7. Lymph (v. ): To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n. ): Olive-flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n. ): Emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n. ): A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n. ): A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n. ): The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n. ): A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n. ): A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n. ) The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n. ): An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

***********************

And, The Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some of the classic winners:
1. Bozone (n. ): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Cashtration (n. ): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
3. Giraffiti (n. ): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
4. Sarchasm (n. ): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
5. Inoculatte (v. ): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
6. Hipatitis (n. ): Terminal coolness.
7. Osteopornosis (n. ): A degenerate disease.
8. Karmageddon (n. ): It's, like, when everybody is giving off all these really bad vibes, right?And then, like, the earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.

9. Decafalon (n. ): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
10. Glibido (v. ): All talk and no action.
11. Dopeler effect (n. ): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
12. Arachnoleptic fit (n. ): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
13. Beelzebug (n. ): Satan, in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3: 00 in the morning and cannot be cast out.
14. Caterpallor (n. ): The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
15. Ignoranus (n. ): A person who's both stupid and an arsehole.

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Sydney, Australia:

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most
of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode
your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets
can be disastrous. None of us realises the long-term harm caused by
the germs in our drinking water.

But there's one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all
have eaten it, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it
is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating
it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front
row raised his hand, and softly said: "Wedding Cake ?"

A burglar broke into a house one night.

He shined his flashlight
around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to
place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark
saying,
"Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and
froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised
himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light
on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,
clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the
source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his
flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to
warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
Moses?" the burglar laughed , "What kind of people would name a
bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus . "

Jewish Catskill Humour

Do you remember (if you are old enough) the old Jewish Catskill
comics of Vaudeville days. Don't you miss their humour? Not one
single swear word in their whole comedy routine..!

****
There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all
night! I finally had to let her out.

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you
comfortable?
The man says, "I make a good living."

I just got back from a pleasure trip.
I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years.
If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it.
The thief spends less than my wife did.

We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding
night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the
estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the
mud fell off.

The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his
bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came
back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See!
What did I tell you?"

A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc,
how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"

Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought
here for drinking." The drunk says " Okay, let's get started."

A bum asked a Jewish fellow, "Give me $10 till payday." The Jewish
fellow responded, "When's payday?" The bum said, "I don't know!
You're the one that's working!"

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of
work he's out of.

STORY OF ELIJAH
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of
Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how
Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut a bullock in pieces,
and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of
God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had
them do this four times "Now, asked the teacher, "Can anyone in the
class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the
bullock on the altar?" A little girl in the back of the room started
waving her hand, "I know! I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"

LOT 'S WIFE The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot 's wife
looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason
interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving," he
announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telegraph pole!"

GOOD SAMARITAN A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the
story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and
left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her
students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you
saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what
would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I
think I'd throw up."

DID NOAH FISH? A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think
Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?" "No," replied
David. "How could he, with just two worms?"
HIGHER POWER A Sunday school teacher said to her children, " We have
been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But,
there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child
blurted out, "Aces!"

MOSES AND THE RED SEA Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother
what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mummy, our teacher told
us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead
the Israelites out of Egypt . When he got to the Red Sea , he had his
army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.
Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers
to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey,
is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mummy. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd
never believe it!"

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorise one
of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the
youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited about
the task -- but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much
practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that
the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the
congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped
up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and
that's all I need to know."
Church Smiles

There was a very gracious lady who was posting an old family Bible to
her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything
breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten
Commandments ," answered the lady.

While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish
carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humour,
because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed
sign ... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution:
Do not step in exhaust.

Ups & Downs

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked: "What is this, father?"

The father (never having seen a lift) responded: "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally, the walls opened again and a voluptuous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son: "Go and get your mother."

Winning entries in reverse order to compose the worst first sentence in novels

7) Just beyond the Narrows the river widens.

6) With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description.

5) André, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: André creep... André creep..- André creep."

4) Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eking out a living at a local pet store.

3) Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do.

2) Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor.

1) The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, "You lied."

DEFINITIONS

Flabbergasted (adj.) appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Abdicate (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

Lymph (v.) to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle (n.) an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

Bustard (n.) a very rude Metrobus driver.

Coffee (n.) a person who is coughed upon.

Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.

Oyster (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Frisbatarianism (n.) the belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

Semantics (n.) pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers.

Devoted husband

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Cinderella Update

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years. And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says,
"I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man." Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath
as he whispered...

"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."

Medical joke

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table

with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it Is necessary to have 2 important qualities
as a doctor.

The first is That you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his
finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking
a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my Middle
finger and sucked on my Index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

Christian Names

Paddy's pregnant sister is involved in a terrible car accident and ends up in a coma.
After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes and discovers she is no longer pregnant. So she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies " Ma'am you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine now but they were very poorly at birth and had to christen them immediately - your brother named them."
The woman says " Suffering Jesus no, not me brother, he's fecking clueless!"
So expecting the worse she asks the doctor what are their names
the doctor says " Well your daughter is Denise" the woman says " Denise, that's a fine name, I guess I was wrong about me brother."
" What's the boy's name?" she asks

To which the doctor replies

" DENEPHEW!"

Tips From Employees To Their Managers

Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4pm and then bring it
in to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

If it's a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how
I am doing. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at
every keystroke.

Always leave without telling anyone where you are going. It gives me a
chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door
for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors
with no arms is good training.

If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority.
I am psychic.

Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to
go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean
a promotion.

If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in
conversations. I was born to be whipped.

If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact,
save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful
information.

Never introduce me to people you are with. I have no right to know anything.
In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my
shrewd deductions will identify them.

Be nice to me only when the job I am doing for you could really change your
life and send you straight to manager's hell.

Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any, and its nice to know
someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay
so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goal SHOULD have been.

Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost-of-living increase. I'm
not here for the money anyway.

DAMN FOOOOL

President Bush is rehearsing his speech for the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games. He begins his remarks with "Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!"
Immediately his speech writer rushes over to the lectern and whispers in the President's ear: "Mr President, those are the Olympic rings. Your speech is underneath."

PLANE STUPID

The Pope, a schoolboy and an unnamed American President are in a plane. Suddenly the pilot suffers a heart attack and the craft takes a nosedive. As the engines sputter, the three passengers try to stay calm.
'Well,' says the Pope, 'we have established that none of us can land this baby, so we're going to have to jump for it.'
'But there are only two parachutes,' says the boy, pointing to a pile of bundles by the exit.
Without hesitating, the American President rushes over to them, takes one and shouts: 'I am the President of the United States of America. I am the world's most powerful leader. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of my country. I have a responsibility to my people not to die.'
With that, he leaps out of the plane.
Now the Pope turns calmly to the schoolboy and says: 'I am already old. I have already lived my life as a good person and a priest. There is a place for me in heaven. I insist you take the last parachute.'
'No need,' says the boy, 'America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag...'

Pharmacists

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the
vet.

He found that the problem was hair in its ears. So he
cleaned and clipped the hair from both ears and the dog could hear
fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this
from recurring she could go to the store and get some "Nair" hair
remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store to get some Nair" hair remover.

At the register the pharmacist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use
deodorant for a few days."
The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist says, "Well if you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of
days." The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you
must know, I'm using it
on my schnauzer."

The pharmacist says,
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Lesson in Life - Famous Quotes

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you
should have remained a virgin." - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy
Carter)

I had a rose named after me, and I was very flattered. But I was not
pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed,
but fine against a wall." - Eleanor Roosevelt

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good
ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. - George
Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. –
Victor Borges

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. –
Mark Twain

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir. Mighty scarce. – Mark
Twain

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she
stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal that, if treated with firmness and
kindness, can be trained to do most things. - Jilly Cooper

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa
Gabor

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you
nothing. It was here first. - Mark Twain

Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant
form of misery. - Spike Milligan

I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me
the position. - Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up. - Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life -
Herbert Henry Asquith

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in
it. - W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the ageing process down if it had to work its
way through Congress. - Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will
avoid you. - Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.. but everything else starts
to wear out, fall out, or spread out. - Phyllis Diller

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out. - Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go
anywhere. - Billy Crystal

A Christmas wish

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready
for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere, Four of his
elves got sick,
and the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones.

So Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even
more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them
were about to give birth and two jumped the fence and were out heaven
knows where.

More stress. Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of
the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the
toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and
a shot of whiskey.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the
elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his
frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and
it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He
went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was
made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to
the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great
big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, 'MERRY CHRISTMAS
SANTA. ISN'T IT JUST A LOVELY DAY? I HAVE A BEAUTIFUL TREE FOR YOU.
ISN'T IT JUST A LOVELY TREE? WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO STICK IT?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree!!!!

The Perfect Man

A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi that was going by just at that moment. He gets into the taxi and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an Opera baritone, danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. And he could fix anything. Not like me – I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out."

Passenger: "Wow, some bloke then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me – I always seem to get stuck in them."

Passenger: "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "He knew how to treat a woman too, make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong. And his clothing was always immaculate – shoes highly polished too."

Passenger: "An amazing chap. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his xxxxx widow!!"

Indian Wisdom

Ann was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when
she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the
Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Ann tried in vain to make bit of small talk with the
Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown
bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Ann looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it
for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

"Good trade....."

Swindon GCSE Results
The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examinations in Swindon These are genuine responses from 16 year olds (allegedly).

Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep, and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax,
the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax
contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the
five bowels, A, E, O, U, and I.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

English
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head

Situational Awareness Test

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine
travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car
and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at
ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling
at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Answer Below................

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Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're drunk again.

The four parrot joke

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest asks.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.

"You know, I have two male talking parrots that I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to
my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman said , "this may be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male
parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"

Muppet Manufacture

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles!"

MUSICAL TERMS

Adagio Formaggio: To play in a slow and cheesy manner.

AnDante: A musical composition that is infernally slow.

Angus Dei: To play with a divine, beefy tone.

A Patella: Unaccompanied knee-slapping.

Appologgiatura: A composition, solo or instrument, you later regret playing.

Approximatura: A series of notes played by a performer, not intended by the
composer.

Approximento: A musical entrance that is somewhere in the vicinity of the
correct pitch.

Coral Symphony: (see Beethoven-Caribbean period).

Cornetti Trombosis: Disastrous entanglement of brass instruments that can
occur when musicians exit hastily down the stage stairs.

Dill Piccolino: A wind instrument that plays only sour notes.

Fermantra: A note that is held over and over and over and...

Fermoota: A rest of indefinite length and dubious value.

Fog Hornoso: A sound that is heard when the conductor's intentions are not
clear.

Frugalhorn: A sensible, inexpensive brass instrument.

Gaul Blatter: A French horn player.

Good Conductor: A person who can give an electrifying performance.

Gregorian Champ: Monk who can hold a note the longest.

Kvetchendo: Gradually getting annoyingly louder.

Mallade: A romantic song that's pretty awful.

Molto bolto: Head straight for the ending.

Opera buffa: Musical stage production by nudists.

Poochini Musical: performance, accompanied by a dog.

Pre-Classical Conservatism: School of thought which fostered the idea,
"if it ain't baroque, don't fix it."

Spritzicato: Plucking of a stringed instrument to produce a bright, bubbly
sound, usually accompanied by sparkling water with lemon (wine optional).

Tempo Tantrumo: When a young band refuses to keep time with the conductor.

Vesuvioso: A gradual build up to a fiery conclusion.

Friend,

Are you tired of all those mushy "friendship" poems
that always sound good but never actually come close
to reality? Well, here is a "friendship" poem that really
speaks true friendship and truth itself!

When you are sad... I will get you drunk and help you
plot revenge against the bastard who made you sad.

When you are blue... I'll try to dislodge whatever is
choking you.

When you smile... I'll know you finally got some.

When you are scared... I will tease you about it every
chance I get.

When you are worried... I will tell you horrible stories
about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

When you are confused... I will use little words to
explain it to your dumb ass.

When you are sick... stay away from me until you're
well again. I don't want what you've got.

When you fall... I will try to keep from laughing.

This is my oath, I pledge 'til the end. Why, you ask?
Because you're my friend.

Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed
because you realise you only have 2, and one of them is
not speaking to you right now.

And always remember: A friend will help you move.
A really good friend will help you move a body.

In the beginning

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and
spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and
Woman would live
long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and
Magnums.

And Satan said "You want hot fudge with that?
And Man said "Yes!"
And Woman said "I'll have one too with chocolate chips".
And lo, they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure
that Man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the
cane and combined them.

And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said "Try my fresh green salad".

And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the
side.

And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said "I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in
which to cook them".

And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped
lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter.

And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming
with potassium
and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre
into chips and deep

fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt.

And Man put on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose
those extra pounds.

And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would
not have to toil changing the channels.

And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and
started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and
still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger.

Then Satan said "You want fries with that?" and Man replied "Yes, And
super size 'em".

And Satan said "It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac
arrest.

God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

And then Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.

THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final
word on nutrition and health.:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
us.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer
fewer
heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently
what kills you.

Murphy's sewing laws
• Fusible interfacings always fuse to the iron
• The serge only eats the customer's garment
• If you need 6 buttons, you will find 5 in your button box
• The seam you meant to rip out is invariably the other one
• When you are in a hurry, the needle eye is always too small
• The fabric you forgot to pre-shrink will always shrink the most
• The pattern you wanted to make again will have one key piece missing
• If you drop something out of your sewing basket, it will be your box of pins, with the cover off
• Whenever the construction process is going well, the bobbin thread runs out
• The magnitude of the goof is in direct proportion to the cost of the fabric
• Your lost needle will be found by your son, husband or brother-in-law, while walking around barefoot
• Facings tend to be sewn to the wrong side (Opposite sides attract)
• Collar points don't match, and you've trimmed all the seams
• The iron never scorches the garment until its final pressing
• The steam iron only burps rusty water on light silk fabric
• The sewing machine light usually burns out on Sunday
• Pinking shears get dull just by looking at them
• Gathering threads always break in the middle
• The scissors cut easiest past the buttonhole
• Matching edges don't
• You will spill your pin box once per garment.
• As yee sew, so shall ye rip

The rules of chocolate
• If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
• Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
• The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
• Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.
• If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
• If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
• Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.
• Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.
• Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
• A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?
• If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
• If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?

Things my mother taught me
• My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
• My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
• My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL -  "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
• My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."
• My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
• My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry about."
• My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
• My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM - "Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
• My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."
• My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
• My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"
• My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"
• My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
• My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop acting like your father!"
• My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

THANKS, MOM!

Useful Slogans
• God Made Us Sisters; Prozac Made Us Friends
• My Mother Is a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips
• Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount
• (Spotted on a passing motorcycle)
• If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off
• I Used to Be Schizophrenic, but We're OK Now
• Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I Did a Little Shopping
• What If the Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About?
• Coffee, Chocolate, Men; Some Things Are Just Better Rich
• Liberal Arts Major. Will Think for Food
• Don't Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would the Queen
• Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law
• If You Want Breakfast in Bed, Sleep in the Kitchen
• In Dog Years, I'm Dead
• Love May Be Blind, But Marriage Is a Real Eye Opener
• If at First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't for You
• The Trouble With the Gene Pool Is That There's No Lifeguard
• Get a New Car for Your Spouse. It'll Be a Great Trade
• Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship
• I'm Going to Graduate on Time, No Matter How Long It Takes
• Anything Not Worth Doing Is Not Worth Doing Well
• A Day Without Sunshine is Like Night
• First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order
• Old Age Comes at a Bad Time
• In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks You Take
• Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
• I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
• You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.
• BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
• So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
• I need someone real bad... Are you real bad?
• BEAUTY is in the eye of the beer holder.
• All men are idiots... and I married their king.
• The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
• Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
• Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
• Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
• Hang up and drive.
• I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
• God must love stupid people...He made SO many.
• I said "NO" to drugs, but they didn't listen.
• Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU'RE still an idiot.
• Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
• I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
• Where there's a will..I want to be in it.
• It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
• Don't drink and drive... You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
• Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
• Always remember you're unique... Just like everyone else.
• HONK ... If You Want To See My Finger
• Support Cannibalism - EAT ME!
• God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
• I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
• I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
• Keep honking while I reload.
• Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
• Who were the testers for Preparations A through G?
• Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
• 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
• EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
• If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
• If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
• Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
• My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like that.
• Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
• Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
• If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
• Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
• Schizophrenia beats being alone.
• If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
• You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes.
• You will learn a lot today.
• A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.
• Heck is where people go who don't believe in gosh
• Time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening at once.
• Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
• All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
• Strip Mining Prevents Forest Fires
• I don't have a solution; but I do admire the problem.
• I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
• A picture is worth a thousand words. But it uses up a thousand times the memory
• The Meek shall inherit the earth.. ...after we're through with it.
• If a thing is worth doing, It would have been done already
• Two can live as cheaply as one ... for half as long.
• Ham and eggs: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.
• Lord, If I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.
• The buck doesn't even slow down here. So keep on going.
• Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
• How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?
• Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
• Jesus loves you It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.
• It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
• Welcome to Utah. Set your watch back 20 years.
• The trouble with life is there's no background music.
• I was only looking at your name tag, honest!
• When blondes have more fun do they know it?
• Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
• Jesus is coming! Look Busy.
• We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?
• Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!
• Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane.
• My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat
• Is reading in the bathroom considered multitasking?

Celibacy

Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling.

Take celibacy – this can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors:

Whilst attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Bill and Mary listened to the instructor declare “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He addressed the men, “Can you each name and describe your wife’s favourite flower?”

Bill leaned over, touched Mary’s arm gently and whispered, “Self-raising, isn’t it?”

...And thus began Bill’s life of celibacy.

Beware of female spies

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists – two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow our instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!” The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, “This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

All I need to know in life I learned from my horse
• When in doubt, run far, far away.
• You can never have too many treats.
• Passing gas in public is nothing to be ashamed of.
• New shoes are an absolute necessity every 6 weeks.
• Ignore cues. They're just a prompt to do more work.
• Everyone loves a good, wet, slobbery kiss.
• Never run when you can jog. Never jog when you can walk. And never walk when you can stand still.
• Heaven is eating at least 10 hours a day... and then sleeping the rest.
• Eat plenty of roughage.
• Great legs and a nice rear will get you anywhere. Big, brown eyes help too.
• When you want your way, stomp hard on the nearest foot.
• In times of crisis, take a poop.
• Act dumb when faced with a task you don't want to do.
• Follow the herd. That way, you can't be singled out to take the blame.
• A swift kick in the butt will get anyone's attention.
• Love those who love you back, especially if they have something good to eat.

Western Wisdom
• Don't squat with your spurs on.
• Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
• Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
• There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.
• Never miss a good chance to shut up.
• Always drink upstream from the herd.
• If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
• There are three kinds of men. The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
• Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
• If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
• Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
• After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him... The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

Tragedy in New Zealand

New Zealand’s worst air disaster occurred earlier today when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater plane, crashed into a cemetery early this morning in southern Auckland.

Kiwi search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

Cats and Dogs

As seen in a dog’s diary:

7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favourite!
8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite!
9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favourite!
Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favourite!
2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favourite!
3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favourite!
4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favourite!
6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favourite!
7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favourite!
8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite!
9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favourite!
11 pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people’s bed! My favourite!

As seen in a cat’s diary:

Day 183 of my captivity… My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction that I get from clawing their furniture. Tomorrow I will eat another houseplant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded—must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair. I must remember to try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, that did not work according to plan…

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing “allergies.” I must learn what this is and how I may use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I have patience, I can wait, it is only a matter of time…

A True Australian Ghost Story

This story happened a short while ago in Brisbane, and even though it sounds a little Alfred Hitchcock… it’s true. John, a Sydney University student was hitch hiking about 100 Km’s north of Brisbane on an unlit country road and on a very dark night with a severe storm raging… Thunder, lightning, torrential rain… The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see any more than a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, in a flash of lightning, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and it suddenly stopped just a few feet from where he stood. John, in the dark and driving rain, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door. There was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t on!

The car then began moving slowly.

A little terrified by the sudden movement, without obvious human interaction, John was thinking about jumping from the moving vehicle, but the storm was getting worse… here was a safe haven form the tempest… of sorts… he looked ahead at the road and saw a curve approaching.

Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life… do I jump, he thought, when suddenly, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel.

John, in the dark, with only the flash of the lightning and paralysed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve. John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the slowly moving car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of tequila. He then started telling everybody around him the horrible experience he had just been through. A silence had enveloped everybody and then they realized he was crying and wasn’t drunk… About 5 minutes later, two blokes walked into the same pub. They were also wet and out of breath.

Looking around and seeing John sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, “Look, Bruce… there’s the idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it.”

Old Proverbs with a new twist
• Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
• The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
• It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it
• Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
• We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
• No one is listening until you make a mistake.
• Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
• Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
• It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
• It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
• If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
• If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
• If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
• Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
• If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
• Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
• Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
• If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
• Don't squat with your spurs on.
• Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
• Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
• A closed mouth gathers no foot.
• Duct tape is like "The Force," it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
• There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
• Never miss a good chance to shut up.
• Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
• Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Lawyer Jokes

• Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
  A: A good start!

• Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
  A: His lips are moving.

• Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
  A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

• Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
  A: Professional courtesy.

• Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
  A: Not enough sand.

• Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
  A: Cut the rope.

• Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
  A1: Take your foot off his head.
  A2: No.
  Good!